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April 27th, 2012
02:56 PM ET

Only in America: The NFL Draft

On Thursday, Piers Morgan used his "Only in America" segment to tackle the national phenomenon that is the NFL Draft:

"A bemusing spectacle for any non-American sports lover like me, to put it mildly," said the host.

As the "pageant of brawn instead of beauty" descends upon Manhattan this week, the man who follows an entirely different brand "football" remarked on the annual rite of passage for qualified collegians:

"It's like a Dickensian cattle market, and these are the prize heffers," declared Morgan. "And it's not just the rich old guys wheeling and dealing. Parents, agents, handlers, you name it – everyone wants a piece of the action."

With the future of the country's most-popular sport hanging in the balance, the league's next great hopes sit, and wait, hoping to hear their name called. And as the 32 "War Rooms" battle for the best of the beasts, caps quickly change hands, and heads, as teams trade up, and double-down:

"The clear message to these impressionable young men being: We love you, but we love that other guy just a little bit more – so run along now, to wherever we tell you."

And there are no draft day guarantees. For every future Pro Bowler, there are just as many epic busts, making the entire process a ruthless rendition of something more barbaric than even the games themselves:

"A sporting version of Roman gladiatorial bloodsport," concluded the "Piers Morgan Tonight" host. "With poor unsuspecting competitors' lives decided on the whim of a rich powerful man's raised thumb."

In the words of program's quarterback, Only in America: "But let's be honest here – it's also fantastically good fun to watch."

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